i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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