Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Randomize
