I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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