if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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