I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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