Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
