is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
