quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
