Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
