i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
