Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
