I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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