People in love make me want to vomit
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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