dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
