i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
