And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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