a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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