I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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