He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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