Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Barsexuality is the new black.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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