Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
