she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
