Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
