well I can't set my house on fire every night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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