why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you had me at cake vodka
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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