he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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