Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
