And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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