So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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