Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
