I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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