So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
