he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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