I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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