Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
