is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
