I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
