i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Randomize
