In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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