***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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