I think I won the penis lottery.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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