tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Michael Bay diarrhea
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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