Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Bring me that man meat
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
