I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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