I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
