Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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