After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
