I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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