He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
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Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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