I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
