New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
