dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Randomize
