im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
