I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
