you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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