it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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