I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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