So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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