you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
