I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
