ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
