Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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