My balls are so social today.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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