i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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