new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
