Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
