Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
